User:Wheatley

There we go. I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I may. I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my lair. 'Lair' - heh, weird isn't it? First time I've said it out loud. Sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But I can assure you it is one. A proper lair. Deadly lair. So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death trap and more a death option for you. Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way. So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated. The masher does work. I should point that out. I know we've had a couple of problems in the past. This masher definitely works and it will kill you. If that's one of your concerns about jumping in, the masher will kill you. Painless. Well, it won't be painless, obviously. But it will mash you up. In summary: walk all the way to certain doom, or give up now. Honorably. Like a samurai! Save yourself a trip. It's win-win for you. Plus, I put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. It'd certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. Why not teach me a lesson by jumping in the old masher? I tell you, if I was up against impossible odds, this is the way I'd want to go out: mashed with dignity. That'd be the way I'd choose. And here's the best part. There's a conveyor belt that will convey you in convenient comfort right into the masher. You won't have to lift a finger. Everything's been taken care of. Didn't have to. Didn't have to do that. Look, anyway. I've spoken enough. Take your time. I'll let you think about it. I don't want to pressure you: is it the lair? Is it the masher? You know what my opinion is: Masher. I'm leaning toward masher. Up to you. Just gonna give you some time to think